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Thursday
Apr192012

The Star Strangled Boner

This week, we’re going to try something new here at the Throckmorton. We’re going to get a bit real. (Real real, sir?) Real real. Our cases are timid stories of love, loss, and animal rape, but not this one. Join us as we delve deep into the wide world of medical case reports that discuss penile strangulation.

 Lug nuts are for a man’s tools, not a man tool

Wait. What is penile strangulation, anyway? Simply put:  You tried to pump your Chuck Liddell in and out of something and it got stuck. Hotted-up gents of all ages have awkwardly reported to the ER with their penises stuck in various things like wedding rings, metal plumbings, plastic bottlenecks, wrenches, and open ended lug-nuts.

 

Although relatively uncommon, penile strangulation is not a new issue to the medical community. In fact, the first case of penile strangulation in the medical literature is about some perverted Frenchman in 1755 who managed to get his dong stuck in a briquette (not sure how that happened). And like foreign bodies in the rectum, these events spark a buzz in the hospital and get employees gossiping like 13-year old girls clucking about which total skank got finger-blasted out back during Sadie Hawkins.

 

This particular tour-de-force comes from highly-regarded Journal of Sexual Medicine and involves a 63-year old farmer with Parkinson’s disease, who found himself in a bit of a bind after he began a new medication for the disease.

 

[NoteIn an attempt to set new menschmarks, we have chosen to provide the photos as links rather than publishing them in-line, thereby punishing weak-stomached readers. They’re pretty unnerving but we strongly recommend you click the links (NSFW).] 

 

“The patient presented to one of our regional emergency departments having a cast iron locking nut from a vehicle towbar lodged at the base of his penis for about 24 hours” [picture A]. How was he holding up? Well, “on examination, he was distressed… and was in urinary retention”

 

Shocking! But what did his penis look like? Well I have that right here for you, Ace: “The penis was engorged, edematous [“swollen with an excessive accumulation of fluid”], and progressively becoming more swollen.”

The farmer is none to pleased with the condition of his churning stick

It appears Old MacDonald was able to slip his tool through the locking nut, but unable to slip it out after the far end done got swole. The ER docs tried to remove the locking nut but were also unsuccessful “because of immense penile swelling.” Bummer.

 

So, what next? The ER physicians call a few unusual consultants. They call the “Fire Brigade and State Emergency Service” as well as a “metallurgist and a locksmith” who all concur that there is no way to cut through a “reinforced cast iron nut, even with a diamond-tip saw.” Double-bummer.

 

The docs eventually dragged the patient to the OR where he was sedated and the swelling in his penis was “released after several punctures with a 21g needle.” [Picture B] The surgeons were then able to snake some sutures in between the penis and (metal) nut and set up a “pseudo-pulley system” [Picture C]. With 4 pseudo-pulleys, the good doctors were eventually able to wriggle the locking nut off the farmer’s pickle. [Picture D]

 

How did the farmer do? “Over the next 24 hours, his penis became more swollen but subsided over the next 48 hours.” The patient received a course of oral antibiotics and on day three he was able to piss on his own. And just to make sure this type of thing didn’t happen again, there was “a neurology review and an adjustment of his medications” before he was discharged.

 No one will comment on your Asian fetish when you show up with one of these gals

What have we learned? Don’t try to bang hardware. Unless it’s one of those really fancy Japanese schoolgirl dolls. (But never your [first mate’s blow-up doll].)

 

Medical Geek Sidebar:

Some Parkinson’s meds are what we call “dopamine agonists” (dopamine regulates the reward center in the brain) and some of these meds have been linked to “pathologic hypersexuality” (i.e. being so horny it can be classified as a disease.) One man accused his Parkinson’s medication for turning him into a gay sex and gambling addict.  (It’s called “life,” Buddy.)

 

Source: D. Katz, et al. Novel Extraction Technique to Remove a Penile Constriction Device. J Sex Med 2012; 9: 937-940.

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    The Star Strangled Boner - The File - The Throckmorton File

Reader Comments (2)

Brutal pics guys. F***ing brutal. Great article but my junk is tingling a bit

April 21, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFernando

i love strangling my cock, i do it a lot and want to do it for a long time, the most so far is three hours
but i often strangle it a few times in a day for an hour at a time
http://xhamster.com/photos/gallery/1052878/chronic_penile_strangulation_disorder.html
http://xhamster.com/user/scarcock
one day id like to put something permanent on it so it had to be surgucally removed

May 22, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterscarcock

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